December Almanac

Written by Kurt F. Stone Tuesday, 01 December 2009 02:13

History is doomed to repeat itself. Unless, of course, we are aware of our past indiscretions and crimes against the world of music.

Which is why I have taken it upon myself to research some of the more noteable dates in music history and present them to you on a month-to-month basis, so you may educate yourselves, and change the world.

December 1st

1982 - Michael Jackson's ``Thriller'' LP is released. It is the best-selling album of all time, with worldwide sales of more than 40 million copies. If only we knew then what we knew now. Michael, mixed with the disco hangover, would then usher in an era of pop music that would not die for at least 20 years. Thanks a lot, Michael, thanks a lot.

1972 - Martha & the Vandellas give their farewell performance in Detroit.

December 3rd

1986 - Judas Priest and CBS have a lawsuit filed against them claiming two fans shot themselves after listening to the band's music for six hours. I guess that's one way to come out of the closet . . .

1948 - Ozzy Osbourne is born in Birmingham, England. His biggest pop hit is ``Close My Eyes Forever.'' Yes, that's the song he did with Lita Ford. Reports have it that he is just as coherent today as he was 60 years ago.

December 4th

1980 - Led Zeppelin announces its decision to break up. Because, you know, replacing drummers is reeeaaalll difficult.

December 5th

2000 - R&B star Sisqo takes home six trophies at the 2000 Billboard Music Awards, while Destiny's Child and 'N Sync corral four each. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of THAT trophy shop.

December 6th

1969 The Rolling Stones' hold an ill-fated concert at California's Altamont Speedway, where a fan is stabbed to death near the stage.

December 8th

2000 Metallica sues perfume manufacturer Guerlain Inc. and the Neiman-Marcus stores, alleging that they have infringed on and diluted the rock band's trademarked name by creating and marketing a "Metallica" perfume brand. Their primary defense? "It smells to pretty to be called 'Metallica', doesn't have enough of that hangover-sweat stench to it."

1980 – John Lennon shot to death. Thankfully. Now Urban Outfitters has a slew of t-shirt options they can sell from and hipsters will create yet another reason they can call-in sick. .

December 9

1995 The Beatles' first new tune in 25 years, ``Free as a Bird,'' debuts on a six-hour ABC documentary about the Fab Four. That's right. SIX HOURS. Because the previous forty years of exposure wasn't enough.

December 14

1999 BMI names "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" as the number one song on the performing rights group's list of "Top 100 Songs Of The Century." This is largely due to the fact that frat boys in bars all over the country can sing it to their beloved sorority sisters without having to worry about the fact they are completely fucking tone deaf.

December 16

1770 - Composer Ludwig Van Beethoven was born. Know this because it may be the only thing worth knowing.

1983 - The Who officially disbanded. They will, however, be performing at this year's Super Bowl Halftime.

1993 - MTV aired Nirvana's New York "Unplugged" performance. Doc Martens and over-sized cardigans sell out nation-wide the following morning.

December 18

2003 - In Santa Maria, CA, Michael Jackson was charged with seven counts of molesting a child under 14 and two counts of supplying the child with "an intoxicating agent." Jackson's lawyer denounced the allegations and said they were driven by money and revenge. Don't worry, we will all forget about this five and a half years later.

December 24

1954 - Johnny Ace shot himself and died while playing Russian roulette backstage at a concert in Houston. What a shame, he wasn't even Russian.

December 25

1978 - Public Image Ltd. makes its debut performance at the Rainbow Theatre in London. Madchester gets a little more Rotten.

December 29

1994 - Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes pled guilty to arson charges for setting fire to and destroying boyfriend Andre Rison's Atlanta mansion. Funny thing I noticed while compiling this list: 90% of the music headlines in the last 20 years have been about music stars getting busted for guns, drugs, prostitution, rape, etc. Before the last 20 years? It was almost unheard of unless the death of that artist was directly related to drugs or weapons. Just sayin.